It’s always exciting and fun when you start dating. It’s a positive experience when you like someone who respects and supports you. But not all relationships are like that.
How’s Your Relationship? Take This Quiz!
Sometimes, relationships go bad especially when sex enters the picture. You may be pressured to have sex with your boyfriend. You may not even know that the relationship is starting to become unhealthy. Check if you’re in a healthy relationship by answering this quiz.
Answer YES/NO to see if you are being respected and treated right in your relationship.
My boyfriend or girlfriend:
- Wants to know where I am, what I’m doing, and who I’m with
- Does not try to work out arguments by talking and listening to me
- Puts me down, insults, or criticize me
- Sometimes scares me or hurts me; I am afraid to disagree with him/her
- Does not respect my feelings, opinions, and beliefs or I don’t respect his/hers
- Gets angry if I say “No” to something, including sex
- Does not support me and the decisions I make about my life
- Might hurt himself/herself or me if I want to break up
- Does not trust me. I am afraid to be honest with him/her
- Is only interested in physical contact, not with getting to know me
If you answered YES to most of the statements, you are probably NOT in a healthy relationship.
What’s A Healthy Relationship Like?
In a healthy relationship, the boyfriend and girlfriend:
- Feel good about themselves and the other person
- Have fun together
- Respect each other and their opinions
- Trust each other and are honest with each other
- Support each other
- Accept each other as they are
- Do not insult or try to control one another
- Share in making decisions
- Sort out their arguments through talking
A bad relationship is one where you don’t feel like you can be yourself or you feel pressured to do things you are not comfortable with and don’t want to do.
Do You Have These Problems?
My Partner Is Always Jealous!
Mild jealousy is common in any relationship. However, when jealousy takes the form of possessiveness and control, it is an obvious sign that you are in an unhealthy relationship. When your boyfriend/girlfriend always wants to know where you are, what you are doing, and who you are with, or gets angry if you spend time with other people, such jealousy is a sign of insecurity and a need to control you, not a sign of love. Trust and respect are signs of love. Extreme jealousy is not.
My boyfriend says, “If you love me, you will have sex with me” and he threatens to break up with me if I don’t agree to have sex.
A person who wants to have sex with you does not necessarily love you. Love involves much more than physical attraction – and takes time to develop. Don’t be pressured into having sex. It’s your body, and your decision. No one has the right to demand sex from you, even your boyfriend. Just because your boyfriend pays for a date, buys you a gift, or spends time with you does not entitle him to have sex with you.
If your boyfriend loves you, he will not pressure you to have sex. In a healthy relationship, each person finds out what the other is really feeling – and respects his or her limits. You have the right to say “no” to sex, even if you have been kissing, touching, participating in other sexual activity, or even if you’ve had sex with him before.
Sex is not a necessary expression of love. You should not have sex if it is mainly to keep your boyfriend interested. There are many ways to express your love or affection for someone other than sex. If your boyfriend intimidates you and refuses to stop after you have said “no”, or force you to have sex, then it is rape.
What Should You Do?
It is very difficult when someone you really care about, and who is supposed to care about you, treats you badly. It is tempting to tell yourself that it is really not that bad or that it would not happen again. But remember that you deserve better.
Understand what is happening. The opposite of a healthy relationship is an abusive relationship. It is abuse when one person tries to control or hurt the other, whether it is through yelling, hitting, or forced sexual contact.
Types of abuse include:
- Emotional abuse e.g. the person may insult you or put you down, try to keep you away from friends and family, spy on you, and make threats, to hurt you if you break up.
- Physical abuse e.g. he/she may grab, shove, hit or kick you
- Sexual abuse includes being forced to have sex, or any other unwanted sexual contact.
Be on guard
- Try not to be alone with the person who is abusive.
- Have an excuse prepared so you can leave a situation quickly if you feel intimidated.
- Always let someone know where you plan to be and when you will be back
- If you are out, arrange your own way home. Bring your phone and money.
- Listen to your own feelings – if something does not feel right, leave, or get out of the situation.
End the relationship
People who have been abused say it keeps happening and usually gets worse. While you cannot make someone treat me you with respect, you can decide not to tolerate being treated poorly. You can decide to stop seeing him/her and end the relationship. Think about your own safety and well-being. The way your boyfriend/girlfriend treats you is not your fault. The violent person needs help.
Get help. Talk to an adult you trust or call a hotline.
Ending an unhealthy relationship can be difficult and dangerous. Do not be afraid to ask for help and protection. If you have any questions about your relationship problems, or you feel you are in danger at any point, or if you want to end the relationship, but you are scared:
- Tell your friends, family, or teachers and ask them to help protect you.
- Contact a counseling service or a woman NGO for advice or for help to make a safety plan.
- Call the police if you are in danger.
Check out useful resources you can use.