Getting Help
Victims of dating violence often keep the abuse a secret. It is therefore important to reach out to get help, whether it is from their trusted adults like parents, teachers, school counsellors, or from health care providers or any women’s organisation such as WCC.
What should you do if you are in an unhealthy/toxic relationship?
It is very difficult when someone you really care about, and who is supposed to care about you, treats you badly. Maybe he/she treats you well most of the time. Maybe he/she apologizes after being mean. It is tempting to tell yourself that it is not really that bad or that it won’t happen again. But you should always be treated with respect.
If you are in an unhealthy relationship, these are following steps that can help you.
Understand what is happening
The first step is to understand what is happening. The opposite of a healthy relationship is an abusive relationship. Abuse is not only physical. It is abuse when one person tries to control or hurt the other, whether it is through hitting, yelling or forced sexual contact.
If you are afraid of your boyfriend or girlfriend, or afraid of what they might do or say, you are probably in an abusive relationship.
You might be wondering why is this person doing this to you. A person who hurts you may make excuses like, “I was just joking”, “I was angry”, “You made me do it”, or “You’re too sensitive”. A person who tries to control you may say that it is because he/she cares about you. But really, he/she acts this way because of a lack of respect towards you. No one has the right to try to control you and no one has the right to hurt you.
Remember: the way your boyfriend/girlfriend treats you is not your fault. Even if he/she feels upset or angry with you about something, he/she should deal with these feelings by talking to you or to his/her friends or family.
Help yourself
The utmost important step is to help yourself because you matter. Reach out for help or talk to someone who can help you. Talking to someone you trust and telling them about what is happening can help you deal with the feelings of fear, anxiety, and worthlessness. It can help you to find a solution. If you are a child, talk to an adult you trust like your parents or teachers. You may also consider reaching out for advises from any women’s organisation like WCC.
You may need to lodge a police report if you felt threatened. If you are sexually assaulted by your boyfriend/girlfriend, please refer to these sections for more information on how to get help.
Remember, you are not alone. We are here to support you.
Ending unhealthy relationship
It can be difficult and dangerous to get out of an unhealthy/toxic relationship. Being involved in an unhealthy or toxic relationship is not your fault. Don’t feel guilty. Staying in that relationship will only make it worse. End it.
If you feel you are in danger at any point, or if you want to end the relationship, but you are scared, these following steps can help you:
- Try not to be alone with the person who is abusive.
- Have an excuse prepared so you can leave a situation quickly if you feel intimidated.
- Always let someone know where you plan to be and when you will be back.
- If you are out, arrange your own way home. Bring your phone and money.
- Trust your instinct – if something doesn’t feel right, leave or get out of the situation immediately.
- Block the person from your phone, this will prevent harassment if you have left the relationship.
- Contact any women’s organisation like WCC for help to make a safety plan.
- Call the police if you feel that you are in danger.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
Is it okay for teens to date?
Dating can be a positive experience when your boyfriend/girlfriend respects you and is supportive of you and your decisions about your life. However, many parents discourage dating when young because they fear that you may make yourself vulnerable to being hurt or will be distracted from your studies.
Can I get my boyfriend/girlfriend to stop his/her abusive behaviour?
You can’t. The only person who can stop the abuse is the person who is hurting or trying to control you. Your boyfriend/girlfriend must learn to respect you and change his/her behaviour him/herself. Otherwise, the abuse will not stop and will only get worse. Your boyfriend/girlfriend is responsible for his/her actions. You can decide not to tolerate such behaviour. If your boyfriend/girlfriend does not change his/her behaviour, you can decide to stop seeing him/her and end the relationship.
If I found out that my boyfriend/girlfriend is abusive, should I end the relationship?
Deciding to end the relationship can be very hard. You may still love your boyfriend/girlfriend or feel lost without him/her. You may feel trapped or scared of what he/she might do if you leave. However, if you suspect you are not being respected in your relationship, it is probably best to end it. Staying in that kind of relationship is harmful and it may become worse. The most important thing to think about is your own safety and well-being. It may be helpful to talk to someone you trust, such as a parent or a friend, about what to do.
I am already physically intimate with my boyfriend/girlfriend but he asks me to send him intimate photos but I don’t feel comfortable. What should I do?
Do not send anyone your intimate photos or videos. Any relationship may not last forever nor long term. But, once you share it virtually, you will lose control over the photos or videos because what you send can always be viewed by more than one person. If he threatens to blackmail you with your past intimacies, tell a trusted adult and lodge a police report immediately. No one should force you to do anything you do not want to do.
I am already in a sexual relationship. What are the precautions I should take?
If you are already in a sexual relationship, you need to consider a few things. Having sex comes with heavy responsibility as it involves deeper commitment and emotional intimacy. Sex is a very intimate form of sharing – both physically and emotionally. Respecting each other’s emotion and boundaries are important. Also, you need to be aware that you may get pregnant or infected by sexually transmitted diseases (STD) e.g. gonorrhea, syphillis. You also need to know that the person you are with is reliable and trustworthy and would be willing to take the responsibilities to see through with you should any difficulty arise.
I am a girl under 16 years old and in a sexual relationship with my boyfriend. Can my boyfriend get into trouble?
Yes! If you are below 16 years old, sex with or without your consent is considered statutory rape and your boyfriend is liable to criminal prosecution. If your boyfriend is below the age of 18 years, he can also be prosecuted in the Court for Children under the Child Act.
Can I get STD if I have sex?
STDs are infections transmitted by one person to another through intimate sexual contact. Using condoms can protect against STDs. If you have any symptoms of STDs, you and your boyfriend/girlfriend should go for check-ups soonest at a clinic or hospital which provides confidential counselling, blood tests, swabs, and contraceptive information. You should be aware that a person can carry STDs but still look well or not have any visible symptoms. Some like human papilloma virus (HPV) can lead to cervical cancer and all sexually active females should have a regular pap smears test at a local clinic.
Check out useful resources on Teen & Dating Violence.
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